Out of the Blue
by melihobbit
Summary: Ace is stuck on Starbug, Lister's toenail clippings are all over his pillow and the Cat is too busy studying his own reflection to take orders. It's NOT Rimmer's day. When the rest of the crew are killed, he and Ace must find a way to save them!
1. The Return of Ace Rimmer

A/N: This is an episode set somehwere between series 4 and the end of series 6. I know there are some errors in it. I'm sure you'll point them out to me :D Just a few little things i'd like to point out: 1. I have never played Battleships which is fairly obvious. 2. Rimmer should've been hard light in this episode but he wasn't, for some reason. 3. I know nothing about space/time/dimensional travel so please forgive me if it becomes rather confusing. This is my first RD fic so please review, if you like it I might be persuaded to do another one :D

Dave Lister: Craig Charles  
Arnold Rimmer/Ace Rimmer: Chris Barrie  
Cat: Danny John-Jules  
Kryten: Robert Llewellyn  
Holly: Hattie Hayridge

Rimmer is sitting in Starbug's cockpit, in Lister's seat. Cat is in his usual seat next to Lister's. He is bent over one of the control panels looking at something and concentrating hard.

RIMMER: God, I wish there was something out there. We haven't encountered another vessel for months. I need something to relieve the boredom. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy pin-the-pointy-stick-on-the-weathergirl as much as the next man, but a bit of variety would be nice.

Cat appears to be ignoring him. He is still focused on the glowing control panel.

RIMMER: What is it? Can you smell something? Anything on the radar? Aliens?

He leans over the Cat's shoulder.

CAT: Do you mind? I'm trying to admire my reflection! You're in my light!  
RIMMER: You've been doing that for the last hour and a half, you stupid goit! Now would you stop staring at yourself and pay attention to the sensors!

Cat gives him a dirty look.

CAT: Yeah right, like that's more important...  
RIMMER: Hopeless! Absoutely smegging hopeless! What a waste of time. I give up.

He gets up and leaves.

CAT: (shouting after him) Finally, some peace!

He turns back to the panel again.

CAT: (grinning for the benefit of no-one in particular) Look out ladies, I am looking good today!

Rimmer enters the sleeping quarters, where Lister is sitting on his bed, trimming his toenails. By eating them.

RIMMER: Lister that's disgusting!  
LISTER: Hey, you wouldn't let me use your electric meat carver. What am I supposed to do?  
RIMMER: Use nail clippers?  
LISTER: What? Oh those... you mean those things I've been using to trim me verrucas?  
RIMMER: (pulling a face) Forget it. Just don't get it all over my bed.  
LISTER: I won't.

Rimmer walks over to his bed and bends over, brushing at his pillow.

RIMMER: There are toenail clippings on my pillow!  
LISTER: What? (leaning over the bunk) No, I didn't do that.  
RIMMER: Then who did? Santa Claus?

LISTER: There's no way I did that!

RIMMER: It's disgusting! Everything falls on MY bed. Every time you eat a snack you leave crumbs scattered all over my sheets. You leave your toenail clippings on my pillow!  
LISTER: (looking worried) I wonder where my verrucas went! (he lifts up his sheet)  
RIMMER: (trying to maintain self-control) Alright. I' not going to get mad. I'm just going to leave.

A few seconds after he's walked out, Holly's face appears on the monitor above the sink.

HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still an emergency. Hasn't stopped yet. Still going on.

Rimmer runs back into the room.

LISTER: What is it Hol? (jumps down from his bunk)  
HOLLY: Can't say yet, really. It's still too far away to see. But it appears to be some kind of swirly, orangey reddy whirly sort of thing and we're heading towards it.  
LISTER: Better go check it out.

Rimmer and Lister run into the cockpit. Lister slides into his seat. Cat is still sitting where Rimmer left him.

RIMMER: Thanks for the heads up, Cat! Thank god Holly was on his toes, otherwise we would've been sucked right into that thing! You're supposed to be keeping a look out!  
CAT: Hey, here's a little tip, bud. If you expect me to concentrate, don't put a lot of shiny reflective surfaces in front of me. I'm like a kid in a candy shop!  
RIMMER: Fine. Perhaps I can arrange a soft, padded surface which you can admire from the comfort of a straightjacket. Can anyone tell me what the smeg that thing is?  
CAT: Are you dumb or something? It's exactly what it looks like! A giant orange whirly thing!  
RIMMER: Thank you Albert Einstein. Kryten, can you enlighten us please?  
KRYTEN: Well sirs, it appears to be a rip in the fabric of space, a trans-dimensional portal which allows matter from one universe to be transported into our own.  
LISTER: Is that good or bad?  
KRYTEN: Well it can't harm us sir, but we should try and steer a course around it. We don't know what could be on the other side or even if our ship could survive being sucked through it.  
CAT: (pointing) What about that ship that just came out of it? Is that good or bad?  
KRYTEN: Bad.  
CAT: Why?  
KRYTEN: Because we're going to hit it!

A small, battered looking red craft is barrelling out of the swirling orange vortex thinggie and heading straight for Starbug.

RIMMER: Suggest we step up to Red Alert.  
KRYTEN: Sir, we'll be dead by the time it takes to change the bulb!  
RIMMER: (panicky) I don't care, just do it! If I'm going to die I want to follow the proper emergency protocols!

Just as the two ships are about to collide, the smaller red one veers off to the side at the absolute penultimate second, scraping along the side of Starbug, but doing no major damage.

The crew of Starbug relax, breathing hard and looking shocked.

LISTER: Damage report?  
RIMMER: Minimal.  
CAT: Minimal?! What about the damage to my pants!  
KRYTEN: I'll send you the dry cleaning bill, sir.  
LISTER: Who the smeg was that? And why do I feel like this has all happened before?  
RIMMER: Before? What do you mean?  
LISTER: That ship! I know I've seen that ship before somewhere.

He clicks his fingers. Suddenly a look of understanding dawns.

LISTER: Smeggin' hell! It's...

A monitor flicks on overhead and Ace Rimmer's face appears on it.

ACE: (winks) Told you I'd be back for breakfast!  
RIMMER: (scowling) Oh god.  
LISTER: Ace! It's you!  
ACE: Sure is, Skipper. How are you old chums?  
RIMMER: I was fine, until you came along.  
ACE: Arnie. I never thought I'd see your handsome face again. (He might be being sarcastic, but he hides it well.)  
RIMMER: This is the second time you've almost killed us in that stupid damn ship of yours!  
ACE: I know, Arn. Apologies for that. And I'm glad to see you're all still in one piece. But this time I'm in a bit of a pickle. My ship's been damaged and I'm in need of a few parts. Think you could spare a few?  
LISTER: Sure, Ace. We can help you out, right guys? Come on down to the docking bay. We'll get you fixed up.  
ACE: Thanks Spanners... uh, sorry Skipper. You sounded just like him. Makes a feller homesick. I'll be down there in two. See you soon.

The monitor goes black. Lister grins at the others.

LISTER: It's Ace! He's back!  
CAT: Right! Finally someone with sensible clothes!

They exit the cockpit, leaving Rimmer with a nasty look on his face.


	2. Blown to Smithereens

Lister, Ace, Cat and Kryten are walking up a corridor away from the docking bay.

LISTER: So what've you been doing all this time?  
ACE: Exploring other worlds. Other realities. I've met countless other Cats, Krytens, Hollys, Listers, and Rimmers.  
LISTER: (looking disturbed) Countless other Rimmers?  
ACE: 'Fraid so, matey. And seems you got stuck with the weasliest, most cowardly excuse for a Rimmer in the known universe.  
LISTER: Yeah, I figured that.

They enter the mid-section. Rimmer is standing by the door, arms crossed, looking sullen. Ace stops and smiles warily. Lister follows him into the room, looking worried.

RIMMER: How long is he staying?  
ACE: Steady on old chum. Aren't you even gonna say hello?  
RIMMER: How long is he staying?  
LISTER: (looking from Ace to Rimmer) Well Ace reckons if we can get the parts he needs he can have it fixed by the end of the week.  
RIMMER: (shocked) End of the week?!  
ACE: Come on Arn. I know it's a frightful bore, but I'll be out of your hair in no time. You won't even know I'm here.  
RIMMER: Please! I could smell your stupid cologne miles away. What'dyou do, bathe in it?  
LISTER: Hey! You could learn a few things from him, you know.  
RIMMER: Ah yes. This coming from a guy who spends less time on his own appearance than he does picking his nose.  
ACE, sadly shaking his head, exits the room followed by Cat (who is presumably after him to ask for fashion tips.)  
LISTER: Rimmer what is wrong with you! Why can't you at least try to be nice? He's only here for four days!  
RIMMER: Four days! Four whole days! You call that 'not long'? Four whole days with that smug, stupid self-satisfied macho idiot?  
LISTER: Yeah.  
RIMMER: I see. So that's the way it's going to be, is it?  
LISTER: Yeah.  
RIMMER: So that's it, then?  
LISTER: Yeah!  
RIMMER: That's it?  
LISTER YES!  
RIMMER: I don't get a say?  
LISTER: No!  
RIMMER: Fine! But don't expect me to exchange pleasantries with him.

Lister walks out, eyeing Rimmer stonily.

Rimmer is in his quarters, sitting at his desk flicking idly through a book. Lister enters.

LISTER: Hey, man. Me and the rest of the guys are playing Battleships. Thought you might like to... join in.  
RIMMER: (without looking up) No thanks.  
LISTER: So what, you'd rather sit up here by yourself and sulk?  
RIMMER: I am not sulking.  
LISTER: (walking across the room, he sits on his bunk) Yes you are. I know you, Rimmer. I know when you're sulking.  
RIMMER: I am NOT sulking!  
LISTER: Rimmer, what's your problem? Why can't you get over the fact that Ace has maybe had somewhat better luck than you? I mean, who cares. You're your own person. Just deal with it.  
RIMMER: Are you finished? I'm trying to read here if you don't mind.  
LISTER: (desperate) Look. You're not proving anything by acting this way. Why don't you come downstairs and join in? Have a bit of fun? Show Ace that you're just as good as he is. That you can be the better man.  
RIMMER: (gaining interest) Well... I could... couldn't I?  
LISTER: Yeah! Come on, it'll be loads of fun. Just a friendly game, between mates, sitting around and having a few laughs.

Cut to mid-section of Starbug. Ace and Rimmer are sitting at the table, the only ones left in the game. Cat, Kryten and Lister are sitting by looking worried. The Cat looks extremely bored. Ace is sitting casually in his chair smoking a cigar. Arnie is sitting stiffly with his arms crossed, glaring down at the table and chewing his lip. We get the feeling this has been going on for some time.

LISTER: Rimmer, it's your go!  
RIMMER: Don't rush me!  
LISTER: Ace has won, there's only one place left you can move!  
RIMMER: Ok, maybe he does have a slight tactical advantage over me, I admit.

Close-up of the game board. Lister is correct. There is one piece surrounded by hoards of opposing pieces, and it is clear there is only one possible space left to move.

CAT: Just get on with it!  
LISTER: Come on, man!  
RIMMER: I'm thinking!  
CAT: You've been thinking for thirty minutes! My buttcheeks are going numb!  
RIMMER: Shut up and let me think about it!

He stares intensely, desperately at the board. It's clear he doesn't want to make the last move and let Ace win.

ACE: How 'bout we just call it a draw, Arn?  
RIMMER: (fiercely) No! I'll have my turn when I'm ready!  
LISTER: You're just drawing it out hoping that some kind of emergency will happen, we'll all get distracted and the game will be cancelled.  
RIMMER: Lister, people don't win in situations like this by rushing in willy nilly! D'you think General Patton would've been one of the greatest tacticians in history if he'd just tooled up his men and sent them charging over the hills?  
LISTER: Rimmer it's ONLY A GAME!  
RIMMER: That's what losers say. Weaklings, Lister. People with no fighting spirit! (He looks at the clock.)  
LISTER: Rimmer...just...move.  
CAT: (groaning) Auuh. I can't feel my legs!  
ACE: (standing up) Alright, Arn. I'm pulling out. The game's yours by default.  
RIMMER: What?! You can't do that!

Ace is walking towards the door.

ACE: Why not?

RIMMER: (waggling his finger) I know what you're doing. You're just trying to make me look like a petty, small-minded goit!  
ACE: 'Fraid you didn't need any help there, Arn.

Rimmer grits his teeth and looks furious.

RIMMER: (shouting after him) You always do that! You always come out looking like the big, macho hero! Well I see straight through it, don't think I don't! (To himself) Stupid git.

Lister is the only left in the room. He looks at Rimmer wearily.

LISTER: Nice one, Rimmer. Nice one. It was supposed to be a bit of fun. Why do you have to take everything so smegging seriously!  
RIMMER: It's not just a game, don't you see? Every time he beats me at something, every time he comes out on top, it reminds me how worthless I am. I wanted to be better at something. Anything!  
LISTER: You are better at something. Acting like a complete smeghead, for one thing!  
RIMMER: (morosely) You don't understand.  
LISTER: No Rimmer, I don't. (He gets up and walks sadly out.) Enjoy your victory.

Later Rimmer walks into the Officer's Quarters. Lister is lying on the top bunk, thinking about something, and grinning up at the ceiling. Rimmer shoots him a glance and then slumps down on his bunk.

Lister starts to chuckle to himself. He seems to be unaware that Rimmer is there. He tries to get himself under control, fails, and snorts out another burst of laughter. Rimmer is shifting angrily on his bunk, staring up at the bottom of Lister's bunk as if he can drill a hole through it with his eyes. The chuckling goes on for some time, Rimmer gets into an increased state of annoyance, until finally he can take it no more.

RIMMER: Would you please shut up?? What are you smirking about anyway?  
LISTER: Sorry, man. (he continues to grin) Just remembering something Ace said earlier. (he chuckles again.) What a guy! He really cracks me up!  
RIMMER: (sarcastic) Oh of course! Ace! Who else could it have been? Every time I see him I have to hold my sides together to keep them from splitting.

Lister sobers up. The grin fades from his face.

LISTER: Rimmer, why do you hate him so much? Why can't you just give the guy a break?  
RIMMER: Lister, the only break I want to give him involves both his legs and a sledgehammer.

Lister jumps down from his bunk.

LISTER: You know, I should've known you'd react like this. You just can't stand being in the company of someone who has more charisma in his little toe than you have in your entire body.  
RIMMER: You can say what you like, Lister. Where is he now, anyway? Shouldn't you be helping him fix that stupid ship of his?  
LISTER: He's got it under control. Besides, I'm not the mechanic I am in his reality.  
RIMMER: You see, Lister? There's someone out there better than you, someone who had all the lucky breaks you never had. I guarantee if he walked through that door right now you'd hate him just as much I hate Ace.  
LISTER: You're wrong, Rimmer. I wouldn't hate him. That's what makes us different.

Rimmer turns away and stares at the wall.

LISTER: Three days. That's all I'm asking. Just try to be civil.  
RIMMER: I want him out of here.  
LISTER: Three days and he's gone. (He looks rather morose at this prospect) Outta here.  
RIMMER: Good.

Cockpit of Starbug. Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer are present in their usual places. Rimmer's face is illuminated by the green glow of the short-range sensors. Lister is looking out the windscreen, Cat is holding the controls and Kryten is making minor adjustments on a panel in front of him. Ace is absent.

KRYTEN: Getting something on the long range scanner, sirs.  
LISTER: Any idea what it is?  
KRYTEN: It's coming closer. It appears to be a vessel of some kind, similar to our own but much larger.  
LISTER: Hostile?

He starts flicking switches on the control panel in front of him.

RIMMER: Suggest we try and make contact. (into microphone) This is the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Starbug. Do you read?

He listens. Kryten glances up at the monitor but it remains dark. There is no answering response.

RIMMER: They're not answering.  
KRYTEN: Suggest I try communicating with them, sir.  
RIMMER: It's alright Kryten, I have it under control.  
KRYTEN: But sir, perhaps I may offer some assistance...  
RIMMER: Kryten, I'm well aware of how to do this thank you. It's a simple matter of moving your lips and making sounds in your throat. Even someone as simple-minded as Lister could grasp it. So please, if you wouldn't mind...  
KRYTEN: Sir, I was just going to suggest that perhaps this is, in fact, an alien race who don't understand human speech. As you know I am well versed in alien speech and could be more suited to this particular task.  
RIMMER: Kryten this is one of the few duties I have aboard this ship and I intend to do it!  
LISTER: Maybe Ace would know what to do.  
RIMMER: Why is it that when anything goes wrong you all expect that dim-witted ponce to come running in and save the day? What can he do that I can't?  
KRYTEN: (meekly) Do you really want me to answer that, sir?  
RIMMER: Anyway, he's down in the docking bay fixing his ship.  
CAT: Uh, guys! That ship's getting closer.  
RIMMER: (into the mic) This is Arnold J. Rimmer, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, Starbug. Please respond.

Nothing happens. The two ships drift silently towards one another. Then suddenly the monitor comes to life and a mean-looking simulant appears. His face is half-human, half mechanoid. The skin seems to have peeled off down one side of his head, revealing a metal skull. His mechanical eye glows fiercely red.

CAT: (grinning nervously) Uh... I don't suppose there's any chance this guy wants to be friends.  
LISTER: It's a rogue simulant! They're ruthless, scum-sucking killing machines! Everytime we've encountered one they've tried to blast us into oblivion!  
CAT: So I guess that's a no?  
RIMMER: (Panicked, into the mic) We surrender, totally and unconditionally. Oh, additionally, I'd like to add that I myself being a hologram wouldn't be of much interest to you. I'm made entirely of light and would be no sport at all. On the other hand there's a very tasty bunch of humanoids on the ship who might be more to your liking, should you wish to board our vessel and go on a rampant killing spree.  
LISTER: (disbelievingly) Thanks, Rimmer! You really know how to stick by your mates!  
SIMULANT: (on screen) Hahahaha. It's been a long time since I've blown up anything. Congratulations. You just made my day.

The simulant grins sickeningly.

SIMULAMT: (on screen) NOW DIE!  
RIMMER: Wait! I'm sure we can work this out!

On the viewscreen they see the simulant fiddling with his controls.

LISTER: Smeg! We're dog food!  
RIMMER: Cat, get us out of here!  
CAT: There's no time!!

Suddenly, a volley of missiles are fired from the approaching ship and sail towards Starbug. In slo-mo, Lister, Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all dive for the door, or somewhere approximating safety. As they reach the door the missiles hit, and the cockpit erupts into flames. Sparks shoots from the control panels in a dazzling display of fireworks. The cockpit is enveloped in flames.

From outside, we see Starbug spinning out of control, explosions racking the ship and sending it tumbling end over end through space. The simulant ship cruises off placidly and vanishes out of frame.

Starbug's spinning past a large green planet. The spinning slows and then finally it drifts slowly along, canted over at an odd angle. The outer hull is blackened and still emitting flames.

Interior of Starbug. It's the mid-section, but it's almost impossible to recognize. Everything is black and smoke fills the room. Dangerous sparks are shooting out all over the place and wires are hanging from the ceiling. From within the rubble, Rimmer emerges. His image flickers for a moment, and he sways, then his image solidifies. He staggers down from the ruined cockpit and across the mid-section, looking stunned. He goes over to a body lying under some rubble in the corner.

RIMMER: (shouting) Lister!

The body doesn't move. Rimmer looks around and finds the bodies of the Cat and Kryten. Kryten's head is hanging off his neck at a weird angle. Wires are poking out of the gap and there is a fizzing sound coming from him.

RIMMER: Kryten?

He stands up, stunned.

RIMMER: They're all dead.

His image grows faint again, flickering like bad tv reception, but it soon settles. He grasps his chest as if feeling weak. Then Ace, looking breathless but not badly hurt, runs into the room. He surveys the damage, horror dawning on his face.

RIMMER: (slowly) They're all dead. I'm alone... in the universe... with you.

His eyes roll into his head and he collapses gracelessly to the floor.


	3. The Time Drive

Rimmer wakes up in the medical quarters. He is lying on the observation table. Ace is leaning against a bench, with one leg hoisted up onto it, putting a splint on it. He has a wad of bandages in his mouth and his shoulder has also been heavily wrapped. He has a large cut over one eye.

ACE: Welcome back, sleeping beauty.

Rimmer winces and remembers what happened. He sits up.

RIMMER: Tell me it didn't happen.  
ACE: Fraid it did, Arn.  
RIMMER: No, it can't... can't be.  
ACE: Sorry.  
RIMMER: No!  
ACE: Yep. You and I are the only ones who made it. Cat, Kryters and Dave are all out of commission. Permanently. Even Holly's gone. The central computer was damaged beyond repair.  
RIMMER: This can't be happening!  
ACE: (finished splinting his leg, he lowers it with a slight wince.) Can't really believe it myself. It was a lucky thing I was down in the docking bay when it happened. I managed to scrape out of it alive, avoiding the worst of the blast. Wish I could say the same for Skipper and the others... (he trails off, looking sad) What about you, Arn? You're looking a mite unsteady on your feet there.  
RIMMER: I think my light bee was damaged. I don't know how long I've got left.

There is a long pause.

ACE: Well. We seem to be lost in hopeless city without a street directory.  
RIMMER: Wait a minute! We have a time-drive on board Red Dwarf. We can use that.  
ACE: Time-drive? Where'd you come across that?  
RIMMER: We looted it from an old derelict ship.  
ACE: Well Arn old boy, I think you might just have something there. This Bug's not going anywhere anymore, but I could probably zip over to Red Dwarf in Wildfire and grab that baby, bring it back here and Bob's your uncle.  
RIMMER: So it would work then? We could go back and save them?  
ACE: Well it's a long-shot Arn, I'll give you that. It'll be mighty tricky. But we might just have a crack. And we don't have much to lose here, eh?  
RIMMER: (looking ruefully at Ace) Only our sanity.

Later, Ace and Rimmer are standing in the smoking ruins of Starbug's mid-section, surrounded by the bodies of their dead crewmates. Ace is holding the remote-control for the time device. It looks a little like three hairdryers glued together and painted black.

ACE: So I just punch in the keys here?  
RIMMER: Yes. (his image becomes unstable again) Hurry, I don't know how much time I have!  
ACE: Alright Arnie, keep your braces on. Turn yourself off and I'll hold onto you.

Rimmer looks mildly dismayed by this prospect, but he reaches inside his flickering image and grabs his light bee. Instantly his image vanishes and a small metal object drops out of the air where he had been. Ace deftly catches it, juggles it into his other hand for good measure, and slips it into a pocket in his flight jacket.

ACE: Alright bucko. (he glances quickly at his watch.) Let's get this show on the road.

He punches a few keys on the device. There is a blinding flash of brilliant red light.

It is the interior of Starbug, mid-section again, only now it is restored to its former state. The ship is undamaged and everything seems normal. Ace stands alone in the middle of the room. There are voices from the cockpit. Without wasting time, Ace runs up the stairs and bursts into the cockpit.

Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten seem to be arguing about an approaching ship. When Ace enters, they all spin around. Lister looks relieved.

ACE: What's happening, fellers?  
LISTER: There's this ship approaching and we can't make contact.  
ACE: Permit me to do something completely barking mad, Davey old boy.  
LISTER: (surprised) Sure... go for it.

Ace strides past Rimmer, who looks confused. Ace leans over and takes the controls from Cat.

ACE: May I?  
CAT: Be my guest!

Ace is still pressing buttons when a simulant's face winks into life on the monitor overhead. Ace punches a few last buttons, and a missile blasts from Starbug's torpedo tube and hurtles towards the huge grey ship.

Ace stands back and smiles at the simulant, who is nervously glancing at his control panel.

ACE: Sorry, not today my psychotic friend. You've sung your last soprano.

They manage to catch a last glimpse of the simulant's stunned face before the ship explodes in a huge ball of orange flame. A semi-trailer sized piece of it sails past Starbug's window.

LISTER: (shocked) That was a...  
ACE: A simulant.  
CAT: You killed it!  
ACE: Yep.  
RIMMER: How did you know?

Ace steps back and takes something out of his pocket. Rimmer's eyes widen in shock.

RIMMER: Is that my light bee?  
ACE: In a manner of speaking, yeah.

At that moment a second Ace steps into the cockpit, looking breathless.

ACE #2: What's all the hullabaloo, lads?

He sees himself and stops short. He puts a hand on the door frame to steady himself.

ACE #2: My god. Am I standing in front of a full length mirror or is there another me in this room?

Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat are now in complete befuddlement. They glance from one Ace to the other, as if watching a really exciting tennis match.

RIMMER: That's not all. There's another me, as well.  
CAT: Four Rimmers?! Someone tell me this is a really bad nightmare!  
ACE: Look, I'll explain it all later lads. Right now there's a feller here in bad need of some re-wiring. Think you could take a look at him, Kryters?  
KRYTEN: Uh... of course Mr Ace sir! (stands up)  
ACE: You boys better come along while we fix up Arnie. I'll explain everything.  
CAT: Hey! Why can't there ever be two of me?

Observation room in Starbug. Kryten is fiddling with Rimmer's light bee. Cat, Rimmer #2, Ace and Ace #2, and Lister are standing around looking confused. Cat looks more confused than anyone.

CAT: So what you're saying is, you and Goalpost Head came back in time to this point to save us from being blasted to smithereens?  
ACE: Spot on. You catch on quick, old sport.  
RIMMER: Yeah. He's about as quick as a packet of two-minute noodles.  
KRYTEN: If I may interject, sirs, there seems to be a fatal flaw in your reasoning.  
ACE #2: Do elaborate, Kryters.  
KRYTEN: Well, you see there is a theory that travelling back in time and altering your own past creates a new 'reality', a new 'path' if you like, in which the events you remember are changed, and a new reality is born where the path diverges from the old one. It is my belief that in jumping back to this time to save the crew, you did in fact create a new reality.  
LISTER: So what's your point man?  
KRYTEN: Worry mode. Well sirs, if this reasoning is correct it would mean that we have a very big problem. You see, Mr Ace and Mr Rimmer left their own 'reality', the one in which Starbug was destroyed, and are now here with us, in this 'new' reality, on this Starbug, the one that didn't crash. (he pauses.)

Mr Ace sir. Do you remember exactly what time you left your Starbug and jumped into ours?

ACE: It was 11:45 PM, Kryters.  
KRYTEN: Ah. You time-jumped at exactly 11:45PM. It is now... (he glances at his wrist- he has a digital readout there.) 11:26PM. The problem is this: If you left Starbug at 11:45PM and are now here on board our ship, in our reality, there will be no-one on board your ship, in your previous reality, to use the time drive and go back in time to this reality, thereby saving the crew of this Starbug before the simulant attacks. (he goes into 'smug mode'.)  
CAT: I just have one question.  
RIMMER: What's that?  
CAT: What the hell are you talking about mechano head?  
LISTER: Hang on! He's right. If you're here with us, you won't be in your time, you won't be able to go back and save us, and we'll all be...  
RIMMER: (sadly) Wiped out. Erased. Gone forever.  
LISTER: You won't be. You'll be fine!  
RIMMER: Fine? You call being stuck alone in deep space with Ace for all eternity 'fine'?  
ACE: Well it wouldn't exactly be a walk in the park for me either, old chum.  
LISTER: Well... so what's to stop Ace and Rimmer using the time drive and heading back into the future where they came from?  
KRYTEN: Sir, they could, but it would be pointless. They would merely end up in the future of this Starbug, a Starbug that hasn't been attacked, and probably find us all sitting around eating our evening meal.  
ACE: If I understand you, Kryters -We need a device that can let us jump into the future and into an alternate reality at the same time.  
KRYTEN: (fidgeting nervously) Yes sir. It's impossible!  
ACE #2: Not necessarily old chum, I happen to have a ship called Wildfire One that's capable of trans-dimensional travel. There might be a way of hooking up this time drive gadget with the ships controls so that Arn and Ace can fly back home to their own Starbug, in the reality where their ship was attacked.  
KRYTEN: An excellent plan, sir.

Kryten finishes fiddling with Rimmer's light bee and he hands it back to Ace.

ACE: I guess I can turn him back on now.  
LISTER: Er... there's no rush, man. Maybe you should wait till you get back on your ship, you know.  
CAT: Yeah. Besides, he might come in useful if you run out of miniature golf balls!  
RIMMER: Excuse me, that's ME you're talking about. You could at least wait until I've left the room.  
ACE: Don't sweat it Arn, I'll turn you back on as soon as we're home.  
RIMMER: That is if your brilliant plan works.  
LISTER: We better hope it does.

Starbug docking bay. Ace is standing by the newly altered Wildfire One with Rimmer's light bee in one hand and his flight helmet in the other. The other Ace stands with Kryten, Rimmer, Lister and Cat.

LISTER: So Kryten, what will happen to this Ace and Rimmer once they get back to their ship?  
KRYTEN: Well, my understanding is that they will create an endless time loop- a cycle whereby going back to their ship and using the time drive will result in ourselves being saved in their reality- and thus in ours.  
ACE: Well I guess this is... au revoir!  
LISTER: Thanks for saving us, Ace.  
ACE: It was Arnie's idea. Thank him.  
KRYTEN: (sniffling) Well... so long, Mr Ace sir.  
ACE: No need for tears, Kryters. You've still got one of me.  
RIMMER: Yes, unfortunately.  
LISTER: Well, see ya later Ace.  
CAT: So long, buddy!  
ACE: Smoke me a...  
RIMMER: DON'T say it.  
ACE: Well, you know. See ya later alligators!

Ace steps up into the tiny cockpit of his ship and lowers the retractable glass roof. He makes some adjustments to his instruments and then puts his helmet on. The ship fires up. The docking bay doors open and Ace's ship zooms out through them. As it reaches open space there is a blinding white flash, the ship zooms up to super speed, and then is gone.

Back in the docking bay, Kryten, Cat and Lister look relieved.

LISTER: He made it. What's the time?  
RIMMER: It's 11:44 PM.  
LISTER: (nervous) So there's nothing we can do but wait.

They stand around looking nervous for a while. A close up of Kryten's wrist watch shows the seconds ticking down to 11:45PM. It arrives... and nothing happens. Lister pats himself up and down.

LISTER: Still here!  
CAT: We haven't disappeared!  
LISTER: YEEES! They've done it!  
RIMMER: We did it!  
ACE: Well, happy endings all round. And now that my ship's gone, the good news is I'll be sticking around with you boys for a bit longer.  
RIMMER: (face falling) What?  
ACE: Well I can't get back to my own dimension without Wildfire, Arn old chap.  
RIMMER: So... you're saying... we're stuck with you?  
KRYTEN: Oh, that's marvellous news sir.  
LISTER: He's staying!  
CAT: Alright! Welcome aboard, bud!  
RIMMER: Oh my god.  
LISTER: Kryten, break out the urine re-cyc. Let's CELEBRATE!

Rimmer faints.

THE END


End file.
